Not long after we were married, I had a horrible nightmare. I am so afraid of heights, but for some reason, I had gone to the top of the Statue of Liberty or some place like that. I'm standing there, and then it's like the floor beneath me has gone, and I'm falling, and falling,... until I awake in fright. And I'm safely in bead, my new husband sleeping beside me. I trust him. At this time, I am unaware of the monster hiding beneath his handsome fascade.
I didn't know then how easily he could lie. A few weeks later, we were at a PX in Frankfurt - I think. We were in the dining area, eating lunch. A German came in and sat down with us and began asking questions; where my husband was stationed, how he liked Germany, etc. The lies rolled so easily from his tongue that I'm sure that my mouth hung open in disbelief. I had never seen anybody lie so quickly and easily. I spoek with him later about the lying, and he said that he had learned it at a young age - to say what his mother wanted to hear. He called it "Playing the Game." I was horrified. It seems like such a trivial matter in light of what he did later, but I had been raised by honest, hard-working, and caring people. Lying was a sin to me; I was so naive, and so unprepared for what was to be.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
just married
It was so difficult writing about my little dog the other day. I cried as I wrote and couldn't write the words that I wanted. I can't understand why someone would do something like that to a harmless - and lovable - little animal. At least, that time, it ended positively. Others were not so good.
I remember when we lived in the South. We had three kids then - under 3 when we moved there. Occasionally, the constant momminess would become too much, so I would leave the kids with their dad. They would see me putting on my going out clothes, and they would cry. I'd feel so bad, but I needed to get away sometimes. I only wish I'd know just how bad of a dad that he was.
I've been dreaming so much of Germany lately. I go there on trips, or I go there by myself. I visit places that I loved and wish I could go there again. I loved the place even though it was the scene of so much badness.
I worked at a military post where I taught simple German courses to incoming American troops. I loved the job. I showed the men around the city at the end of the course, and they got to practice all the phrases and things that they had learned during their 2-week course. Not only was I able to earn money, I was able to meet a lot of new people, something that I loved doing, too.
My husband and I met at one of these courses. I wasn't his teacher, but I needed help with a situation in my classroom and was sent to his for help. I thought he was so handsome - tall with dark hair and eyes. He helped, and then he started coming by where I lived asking me out. I finally said "yes" as I had just survived a horrible year with a stalker and wasn't really looking for a boyfriend.
He soon wormed his way into my life, and it wasn't long before he asked me to marry him. I agreed, and we were married in Europe.
It wasn't long before I wasn't being assigned any classes. I later discovered, much later, that he had gone to the administrator and asked that I not be assigned to teach any more. I sometimes visited him at work, but he asked me not to visit him because the men looked at me. I thought this was rather weird; I'ld never had any trouble before with the men in the past, but it wasn't that much to do if it made my husband feel better. I thought that he probably knew more that I did about that.
I missed my job. My one bit of independence. But the men couldn't stare at me.
I remember when we lived in the South. We had three kids then - under 3 when we moved there. Occasionally, the constant momminess would become too much, so I would leave the kids with their dad. They would see me putting on my going out clothes, and they would cry. I'd feel so bad, but I needed to get away sometimes. I only wish I'd know just how bad of a dad that he was.
I've been dreaming so much of Germany lately. I go there on trips, or I go there by myself. I visit places that I loved and wish I could go there again. I loved the place even though it was the scene of so much badness.
I worked at a military post where I taught simple German courses to incoming American troops. I loved the job. I showed the men around the city at the end of the course, and they got to practice all the phrases and things that they had learned during their 2-week course. Not only was I able to earn money, I was able to meet a lot of new people, something that I loved doing, too.
My husband and I met at one of these courses. I wasn't his teacher, but I needed help with a situation in my classroom and was sent to his for help. I thought he was so handsome - tall with dark hair and eyes. He helped, and then he started coming by where I lived asking me out. I finally said "yes" as I had just survived a horrible year with a stalker and wasn't really looking for a boyfriend.
He soon wormed his way into my life, and it wasn't long before he asked me to marry him. I agreed, and we were married in Europe.
It wasn't long before I wasn't being assigned any classes. I later discovered, much later, that he had gone to the administrator and asked that I not be assigned to teach any more. I sometimes visited him at work, but he asked me not to visit him because the men looked at me. I thought this was rather weird; I'ld never had any trouble before with the men in the past, but it wasn't that much to do if it made my husband feel better. I thought that he probably knew more that I did about that.
I missed my job. My one bit of independence. But the men couldn't stare at me.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
may I introduce myself?
Hello,
I spent - no, survived - 10 years in a very abusive marriage. Along the way, I have forgotten a lot of experiences, but I will write them as I remember them. They may not take place in chronilogical order, but I will write these memories as I remember them, so they're accurate according to my viewpoint. I am hoping that if I write these memories down, that they will no longer haunt my nightmares or day dreams? no, daymares.
One memory that returns to me is one spring over thirty years ago. My husband and I were out enjoying the beauty of the German country side. I brought my little dog - a cross between a scotty and a silver poodle and named after one of my favorite composers. We'd brought along one of his squeeky toys, as Ludi loved to chase them. My husband got a bright idea; he decided to throw Ludi's toy into the river. First of all, Ludi was a small dog, and secondly, the river was very swollen from the spring rains, and the current was very swift. I watched in horror as my husband threw the little toy time and again into the racing river. Time and again, Ludi would jump in the water and swim out to retrieve his toy. Fear still overcomes me as I write, and my head is pounding! I'm breathing deeply. All entreaties to my husband to stop fell on deaf ears. I can't remember why he stopped; I concentrated only on my little dog bobbing in the swiftly flowing river. Maybe the censure of a German citizen stopped him, and finally the ordeal was over, and my little dog was safe in my arms again. It was a terrifying day.
I spent - no, survived - 10 years in a very abusive marriage. Along the way, I have forgotten a lot of experiences, but I will write them as I remember them. They may not take place in chronilogical order, but I will write these memories as I remember them, so they're accurate according to my viewpoint. I am hoping that if I write these memories down, that they will no longer haunt my nightmares or day dreams? no, daymares.
One memory that returns to me is one spring over thirty years ago. My husband and I were out enjoying the beauty of the German country side. I brought my little dog - a cross between a scotty and a silver poodle and named after one of my favorite composers. We'd brought along one of his squeeky toys, as Ludi loved to chase them. My husband got a bright idea; he decided to throw Ludi's toy into the river. First of all, Ludi was a small dog, and secondly, the river was very swollen from the spring rains, and the current was very swift. I watched in horror as my husband threw the little toy time and again into the racing river. Time and again, Ludi would jump in the water and swim out to retrieve his toy. Fear still overcomes me as I write, and my head is pounding! I'm breathing deeply. All entreaties to my husband to stop fell on deaf ears. I can't remember why he stopped; I concentrated only on my little dog bobbing in the swiftly flowing river. Maybe the censure of a German citizen stopped him, and finally the ordeal was over, and my little dog was safe in my arms again. It was a terrifying day.
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