Conversion

Last night, my son told me the story of his father's conversion. 
It seems that he was sitting in church when suddenly he heard a voice telling him that he would be cured of his skin cancer. Of course, it was the voice of God.  God is on his side. Now he talks with God. I guess God needs his advise, for I have not seen any change in his behavior. He still manipulates his children when given the opportunity.  He is still so greedy; not a cent passes through his fingers.  I guess he's going to line the streets of heaven with his gold.  He will have enough. Not only does he have a salary of over $100,000 a year; he additionally collects over $300 a month disability.  I don't know how he does it. How do people who have money cheat the government of over $3,600 a year while people who have no income and terrible dissabilities are denied?
When I think of committing your life to God, you acknowledge that He is God, and you follow His will. You don't mold God into your likeness. God is a god of love and mercy, not judgment and punishment. Of course, God says to love others as yourself, but someone who doesn't know how to  love can't love either himself or others. What a miserable life - and what misery they create in others' lives.

Life often takes us down different paths

When I started out many years ago, I had so many plans and dreams.  I wanted to be a musician. I began at the university, but then discovered that I had a chronic illness and was unable to continue.  I chose another course, and that choice has created so many difficulties for many. 
I guess I'm just sad today as it's finally hit me that my son may actually go to prison after his last arrest.  I have cried so much today, thinking about what that will mean. My mother is ninety. The chances of his getting out before she passes are slim. I know I shouldn't project trouble like this, but there have been so many times during the past twenty years that I thought: "things can't get any worse than this," and with the intelligence of the judges involved in our divorce and child custody cases, our situation would always worsen. This led to my children all being suicidal, and one turning to drugs to drown his sorrows and fears.  We've been in prison; the perpetrator - our jailer - remains free, actually judging us.  We never live up to his high standards. Nobody does. 
I just want peace, but, unfortunately, I have to live with the residual of his abuse.  He is like a tornado or a hurricane, leaving destruction in his path. And I am the rescue worker, left to pick up the pieces of chldren as best I could.
I still have plans, but now I know that I can only do so much. Life can change what we want to do and who we started out to be. And for some, it can nearly destroy their lives.  I don't think my son has ever had any illusions of tomorrow. He's never lived beyond the moment. Always feeling insecure (you don't have any friends) and inferior. How does a child like him grow into a man?

Dead from the Neck Up

So many people are dead from the neck up.  My exhusband is. Nothing new has passed through his brain cells since..... I have a tendency to feel sorry for individuals like these, but them I've been trained to feel this way.  I guess that doesn't really say too much for me and my choices, but he was also the type of person who played the game.  He knew what other people wanted and pretended to be that kind of person. A chameleon, only not as cute.
I need to stop feeling sorry for him. He makes his choices.  He can choose to be nice to others. But he enjoys being the opposite. He could help his children, but he chooses to ignore them.  Of course, they don't want to have too much to do with him as he was so abusive to them. And it is difficult living with the competition and the gaslighting. "No blood, no foul," he'd say; he never realized or cared that he was dealing with children.  Bruises don't last forever. Just the insecurities they cause. And the words. The words that ring incessantly in their heads. As they still do in mine; thankfully, now as much.
And the gaslighting. Do this, and I'll love you. Do that, and I'll love you.  Oops. Sorry. I know I said that, but the rules have changed.  Repeat the rules. NO! You said the sky was blue, NOT sky blue! Maybe I can prove perjury, and you can go to jail. You lie so much, and you're such a hypocrite. Oh, ha, ha, that's me, but they believe me because I have a better job than you. Anyway, you're just a woman, and that makes me better than you. But I need a woman desperately to do things for me, to care for me - no to TAKE care of me.

Addictions

My son is addicted to drugs.  They have taken over every aspect of his life and ruled it for half his life. It began when he was aroud the middle school age. His father was (and remains) very abusive.  We divorced, but the courts here believed the lies (another topic) more than the truth presented under their noses.  The court orders sent my children repeatedly to visit their father, and gave him access to visits here. Along the way, my son became terrified, but instead of turning to his family or the church, he turned to drinking and drugs and developed a drug family. Now 14 years later, he is still doing drugs to shut out the memories, and it appears that he may now be going to prison after being arrested with drugs in his car.
It's not surprising that he turned to drugs. Many people turn to drugs and alcohol in order to escape the pain of childhood memories. His father was lucky; instead of drugs, he was given a hobby which he pursued and pursues to the exclusion of all else. There are no relationships: he never learned to build one. For all of his adult life, he has lived with his addiction to guns. Luckily, this is a more socially accepted form of addiciton as he reached a competitive level. It didn't matter that his addiction destroyed everything around him: when you are the sun, all the planets should revolve around you. It's just the pain and the painful memories that were created and destroyed the lives of those close to him: and continues to destroy.
The words and actions he used taught our son that he was worthless. Whenever the son turned to the father, he was always rejected. The son can never live up to the father's standards. The standards are ever changing.