I was so excited. It was the first set of "sexy" lingerie that I had ever purchased. Light teal blue. Bikini panties. Lacey bra. I loved wearing them - not cotton and practical. Fun and flirty. One day I couldn't find them. I looked through my drawer, but they weren't there, and they weren't in the laundry as I had finished it and put the clothes away. Consigned to wearing my reliable cotton once again.
That evening, as I was preparing for bed, my husband joined me - wearing my lingerie set! He had worn them to work. He liked the silky feel of it beneath his uniform. The picture of him in my underwear haunts me to this day. I never again wore sexy underwear.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Justice?
My son told me last night that he was upset with his dad. His dad refused to talk with him when a friend of my son's called to tell him that our son was in jail. He didn't even want to know what the son had done. He just said that maybe it would help him to grow up. It's too bad that our court system couldn't feel that way about the father 20 years ago when I filed for divorce because he was so abusive to me and molesting the children. Prehaps he would have learned a lesson. The kids really did. It pays to lie because a lie is so much more tantalizing than the truth. And fathers have more rights than God. Maybe that's why their father thinks he hears God's voice now, and that everything he does is okay. It would have been so beneficial if he had been sent to jail; the kids wouldn't have come home from unsupervised visits with their father with stripes on their backs from where he had beaten them, or their rectum hanging from their bottoms. They wouldn't have all been suicidal at different points during their lives, or become mixed up in things that they shouldn't do.
I am always thankful that they are all alive. The scars on the inside and out side remain, but they are alive.
I've heard that I should forget the past, but that is rather a difficult matter as the person I was before I met my exhusband disappeared years ago and what remains is the person I've become because of this contact. I've also been told that "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!" but I don't believe that either as the stresses of the past have paid a toll on my body with diseases that I don't think would have caught up with me if life had gone another course.
Well, we deal with what we've been given, but I think sometimes you have to do something, or the behaviors of the past will continue.Maybe somebody hearing my voice will realize that judges need to do more to protect children.I hope they feel safe in their beds.
I am always thankful that they are all alive. The scars on the inside and out side remain, but they are alive.
I've heard that I should forget the past, but that is rather a difficult matter as the person I was before I met my exhusband disappeared years ago and what remains is the person I've become because of this contact. I've also been told that "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!" but I don't believe that either as the stresses of the past have paid a toll on my body with diseases that I don't think would have caught up with me if life had gone another course.
Well, we deal with what we've been given, but I think sometimes you have to do something, or the behaviors of the past will continue.Maybe somebody hearing my voice will realize that judges need to do more to protect children.I hope they feel safe in their beds.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween
I was able to see my granddaughter this evening. She was so cute in her little Halloween costume. She was a leopard. Her sister was an evil fairy. She was really cute, too.
It reminded me of when my kids were little. I always loved to dress up the children in their costumes. Sometimes I would make them - like Dorothy costumes when Dorothy wasn't popular. If I had only known what was going on in their lives. What nightmares they were living as they were being stalked by their father. The terror within in the one place you should feel the safest.
There is, at least to me, nothing worse than being afraid. Walking on eggshells, trying to appease him. The rules always changing. Thinking he wouldn't hurt the children if I only did everything I could; and later discovering that they thought they could keep him from hurting me if they only did everything he wanted. And all the time, we were hurting and hurting.
One year, his parents came out for their annual visit close to Halloween. They would take the car and go to the mall to walk around leaving the kids and me home alone. Then they would come home to watch tv and take a short walk with the kids. I remember how no one could speak when the tv was on; they were mesmorized. And I would fix dinner. Right before everything was ready to serve, my mother-in-law would put her pencil in her puzzle book to keep her place and would get up to ask if she could do anything. It would always be done.
I think it was the same year that I found several things missing: towels and other things. They were very careful of their suitcases, so I always thought that they took my towels home with them. They felt that I had too many things, including wooden spoons. I only needed one: Just stir everything with one spoon.
It reminded me of when my kids were little. I always loved to dress up the children in their costumes. Sometimes I would make them - like Dorothy costumes when Dorothy wasn't popular. If I had only known what was going on in their lives. What nightmares they were living as they were being stalked by their father. The terror within in the one place you should feel the safest.
There is, at least to me, nothing worse than being afraid. Walking on eggshells, trying to appease him. The rules always changing. Thinking he wouldn't hurt the children if I only did everything I could; and later discovering that they thought they could keep him from hurting me if they only did everything he wanted. And all the time, we were hurting and hurting.
One year, his parents came out for their annual visit close to Halloween. They would take the car and go to the mall to walk around leaving the kids and me home alone. Then they would come home to watch tv and take a short walk with the kids. I remember how no one could speak when the tv was on; they were mesmorized. And I would fix dinner. Right before everything was ready to serve, my mother-in-law would put her pencil in her puzzle book to keep her place and would get up to ask if she could do anything. It would always be done.
I think it was the same year that I found several things missing: towels and other things. They were very careful of their suitcases, so I always thought that they took my towels home with them. They felt that I had too many things, including wooden spoons. I only needed one: Just stir everything with one spoon.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Conversion
Last night, my son told me the story of his father's conversion.
It seems that he was sitting in church when suddenly he heard a voice telling him that he would be cured of his skin cancer. Of course, it was the voice of God. God is on his side. Now he talks with God. I guess God needs his advise, for I have not seen any change in his behavior. He still manipulates his children when given the opportunity. He is still so greedy; not a cent passes through his fingers. I guess he's going to line the streets of heaven with his gold. He will have enough. Not only does he have a salary of over $100,000 a year; he additionally collects over $300 a month disability. I don't know how he does it. How do people who have money cheat the government of over $3,600 a year while people who have no income and terrible dissabilities are denied?
When I think of committing your life to God, you acknowledge that He is God, and you follow His will. You don't mold God into your likeness. God is a god of love and mercy, not judgment and punishment. Of course, God says to love others as yourself, but someone who doesn't know how to love can't love either himself or others. What a miserable life - and what misery they create in others' lives.
It seems that he was sitting in church when suddenly he heard a voice telling him that he would be cured of his skin cancer. Of course, it was the voice of God. God is on his side. Now he talks with God. I guess God needs his advise, for I have not seen any change in his behavior. He still manipulates his children when given the opportunity. He is still so greedy; not a cent passes through his fingers. I guess he's going to line the streets of heaven with his gold. He will have enough. Not only does he have a salary of over $100,000 a year; he additionally collects over $300 a month disability. I don't know how he does it. How do people who have money cheat the government of over $3,600 a year while people who have no income and terrible dissabilities are denied?
When I think of committing your life to God, you acknowledge that He is God, and you follow His will. You don't mold God into your likeness. God is a god of love and mercy, not judgment and punishment. Of course, God says to love others as yourself, but someone who doesn't know how to love can't love either himself or others. What a miserable life - and what misery they create in others' lives.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Life often takes us down different paths
When I started out many years ago, I had so many plans and dreams. I wanted to be a musician. I began at the university, but then discovered that I had a chronic illness and was unable to continue. I chose another course, and that choice has created so many difficulties for many.
I guess I'm just sad today as it's finally hit me that my son may actually go to prison after his last arrest. I have cried so much today, thinking about what that will mean. My mother is ninety. The chances of his getting out before she passes are slim. I know I shouldn't project trouble like this, but there have been so many times during the past twenty years that I thought: "things can't get any worse than this," and with the intelligence of the judges involved in our divorce and child custody cases, our situation would always worsen. This led to my children all being suicidal, and one turning to drugs to drown his sorrows and fears. We've been in prison; the perpetrator - our jailer - remains free, actually judging us. We never live up to his high standards. Nobody does.
I just want peace, but, unfortunately, I have to live with the residual of his abuse. He is like a tornado or a hurricane, leaving destruction in his path. And I am the rescue worker, left to pick up the pieces of chldren as best I could.
I still have plans, but now I know that I can only do so much. Life can change what we want to do and who we started out to be. And for some, it can nearly destroy their lives. I don't think my son has ever had any illusions of tomorrow. He's never lived beyond the moment. Always feeling insecure (you don't have any friends) and inferior. How does a child like him grow into a man?
I guess I'm just sad today as it's finally hit me that my son may actually go to prison after his last arrest. I have cried so much today, thinking about what that will mean. My mother is ninety. The chances of his getting out before she passes are slim. I know I shouldn't project trouble like this, but there have been so many times during the past twenty years that I thought: "things can't get any worse than this," and with the intelligence of the judges involved in our divorce and child custody cases, our situation would always worsen. This led to my children all being suicidal, and one turning to drugs to drown his sorrows and fears. We've been in prison; the perpetrator - our jailer - remains free, actually judging us. We never live up to his high standards. Nobody does.
I just want peace, but, unfortunately, I have to live with the residual of his abuse. He is like a tornado or a hurricane, leaving destruction in his path. And I am the rescue worker, left to pick up the pieces of chldren as best I could.
I still have plans, but now I know that I can only do so much. Life can change what we want to do and who we started out to be. And for some, it can nearly destroy their lives. I don't think my son has ever had any illusions of tomorrow. He's never lived beyond the moment. Always feeling insecure (you don't have any friends) and inferior. How does a child like him grow into a man?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Dead from the Neck Up
So many people are dead from the neck up. My exhusband is. Nothing new has passed through his brain cells since..... I have a tendency to feel sorry for individuals like these, but them I've been trained to feel this way. I guess that doesn't really say too much for me and my choices, but he was also the type of person who played the game. He knew what other people wanted and pretended to be that kind of person. A chameleon, only not as cute.
I need to stop feeling sorry for him. He makes his choices. He can choose to be nice to others. But he enjoys being the opposite. He could help his children, but he chooses to ignore them. Of course, they don't want to have too much to do with him as he was so abusive to them. And it is difficult living with the competition and the gaslighting. "No blood, no foul," he'd say; he never realized or cared that he was dealing with children. Bruises don't last forever. Just the insecurities they cause. And the words. The words that ring incessantly in their heads. As they still do in mine; thankfully, now as much.
And the gaslighting. Do this, and I'll love you. Do that, and I'll love you. Oops. Sorry. I know I said that, but the rules have changed. Repeat the rules. NO! You said the sky was blue, NOT sky blue! Maybe I can prove perjury, and you can go to jail. You lie so much, and you're such a hypocrite. Oh, ha, ha, that's me, but they believe me because I have a better job than you. Anyway, you're just a woman, and that makes me better than you. But I need a woman desperately to do things for me, to care for me - no to TAKE care of me.
I need to stop feeling sorry for him. He makes his choices. He can choose to be nice to others. But he enjoys being the opposite. He could help his children, but he chooses to ignore them. Of course, they don't want to have too much to do with him as he was so abusive to them. And it is difficult living with the competition and the gaslighting. "No blood, no foul," he'd say; he never realized or cared that he was dealing with children. Bruises don't last forever. Just the insecurities they cause. And the words. The words that ring incessantly in their heads. As they still do in mine; thankfully, now as much.
And the gaslighting. Do this, and I'll love you. Do that, and I'll love you. Oops. Sorry. I know I said that, but the rules have changed. Repeat the rules. NO! You said the sky was blue, NOT sky blue! Maybe I can prove perjury, and you can go to jail. You lie so much, and you're such a hypocrite. Oh, ha, ha, that's me, but they believe me because I have a better job than you. Anyway, you're just a woman, and that makes me better than you. But I need a woman desperately to do things for me, to care for me - no to TAKE care of me.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Addictions
My son is addicted to drugs. They have taken over every aspect of his life and ruled it for half his life. It began when he was aroud the middle school age. His father was (and remains) very abusive. We divorced, but the courts here believed the lies (another topic) more than the truth presented under their noses. The court orders sent my children repeatedly to visit their father, and gave him access to visits here. Along the way, my son became terrified, but instead of turning to his family or the church, he turned to drinking and drugs and developed a drug family. Now 14 years later, he is still doing drugs to shut out the memories, and it appears that he may now be going to prison after being arrested with drugs in his car.
It's not surprising that he turned to drugs. Many people turn to drugs and alcohol in order to escape the pain of childhood memories. His father was lucky; instead of drugs, he was given a hobby which he pursued and pursues to the exclusion of all else. There are no relationships: he never learned to build one. For all of his adult life, he has lived with his addiction to guns. Luckily, this is a more socially accepted form of addiciton as he reached a competitive level. It didn't matter that his addiction destroyed everything around him: when you are the sun, all the planets should revolve around you. It's just the pain and the painful memories that were created and destroyed the lives of those close to him: and continues to destroy.
The words and actions he used taught our son that he was worthless. Whenever the son turned to the father, he was always rejected. The son can never live up to the father's standards. The standards are ever changing.
It's not surprising that he turned to drugs. Many people turn to drugs and alcohol in order to escape the pain of childhood memories. His father was lucky; instead of drugs, he was given a hobby which he pursued and pursues to the exclusion of all else. There are no relationships: he never learned to build one. For all of his adult life, he has lived with his addiction to guns. Luckily, this is a more socially accepted form of addiciton as he reached a competitive level. It didn't matter that his addiction destroyed everything around him: when you are the sun, all the planets should revolve around you. It's just the pain and the painful memories that were created and destroyed the lives of those close to him: and continues to destroy.
The words and actions he used taught our son that he was worthless. Whenever the son turned to the father, he was always rejected. The son can never live up to the father's standards. The standards are ever changing.
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